Thursday, May 21, 2015

Feeling super lousy

The first time i met him, i was 16 years old. Almost 20 years ago. I became an aunt to this little one.  Then he came to stay with us.  Sometimes i made him sleep. Sometimes i played with him. Sometimes he cried and cried. Noisy! Saturday i even had to take care of him. Many times i was still asleep when he was awake. I will let him play on his own. Sonetimes he is so hungry he went kitchen looking for food. Woke up with a shock. Felt guilty. But i was in my teenage. I tried my best. But i think i did all the wrong things. I would on show for him to watch. I even introduced instant noodles to him. As he was hungry and i only know how to cook that.  Looking back i was ignorant. Plus last time information was not as accessible as now. 

Many times i was busy with my own life.  Schooling, dating and working.  Sometimes i bring him out. But he was spoiled by his mum and my eldest sister. I refused to buy thing for him so he was upset and  dont really wants to go out with me anymore. Thus we seldom go out Together. Another regret for me. 

There are some sweet moments. When i was sad and cry, he will comfort with his touch and quietness.  He was so cute. Big eyes, long eye lashes. I dolled him like girl. With hair band. So huggable. I actually miss hugging him.  Waiting for him after his childcare. The exciting and happy face of his.  Bringing him to playground. 

During his primary school i remember bringing him out for dinner after his class. Pepper lunch is new and popular. He wants that and he ordered $16+++ stuff to eat. Wow. I dont dare to order for myself as i am quite stringy with my money.

Then he moved out and as usual i busy with work etc.  Then eventually i get marry and have my own family.  We still always meet up. But it is no longer like before.   He grew up.  Sometimes tried to chat with him but not much success.  Maybe i am not a good talker.  He is close to the mother. Thats good.  As long he got someone to talk.

However recently just realised he was not that well after all  And it has been some times.  And no one knows.  Not even his mum. Being an aunt, i felt lousy.  There were symptoms yet i didn't check.  I was too absorbed in my own life. Now is too late for me to do anything.  Dunno how to help him. He may not even want to listen to my advice.  Is all up to himself.  But is still so painful to know that he suffered alone all these years. Where was i, when he needs someone. I really wish him well and hope he can be well again.  Maybe then i will feel less painful.  

If i can turn back the clock, i will hug him everytime i see him. Spend hour chatting etc with him.  Spend more time with him. If only i can turn back the clock...... My greatest regret.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Facial cleansers review

Today will talk about 2 facial cleansers that i tried.  1st will be Clearwave De-Bac Washing Form from Bellewave.  I really like this.  Price is around $60 plus for 200ml. Find it a bit expensive.  Love its minty scent which is great and not overwhelming.  Just mix the gel with water, before apply to face.  Always feel refresh and clean after each wash.  An ideal night facial wash for me. 

However some of its ingredients are not too good.  So my quest for night wash is not over.  During my husband current work trip, I had asked him to help me buy Philosophy's Purity Make Simple facial wash for me to try.  Can't wait for it.   Actually i am more interested in Aveda gel cleanser but quite expensive.  Maybe next time. 

Recently i also tried Durance's Cool Cleansing Gel.  Usual price is around $50 but i got it when there is buy 1 get 1 free promotion.  As i was runing out of facial wash so thought can give this a try.  Was disappointed with it.  A super light cleanser.  Can only use it for my morning wash.  Not much scent even thought it stated contains lavender essential oil.  Luckily i got during promotion.  Dont worth its price.

These few days quite moody.  Home alone with my 2 kids. Not because of this.  Actually They are quite good and cooperative especially my eldest who really behaves and help.  Maybe is because i eat and sleep less when my husband travels.  Writing makes me feel better which is something i like to do.  I hope i will continue finding time to write.  


Monday, May 4, 2015

Feeling happy

Feeling happy about myself.  Choosing between sleeping for another ten mintues and spending the ten mintues reading to my elder son while my younger baby is still sleeping.  I choose the latter.  My son also cooperated. Didnt wake his sister up. So we end up reading 2 books together. And had a bread together. 

These are special quality bonding time with my first born. Maybe he does not understand why but i hope he enjoys them too.  I love him very much even though i am very strict to him. And i am still learning very hard to control my super bad temper that is with me for the past 30plus year.  Sometimes i am more angry with myself when i scream and shout at him.  I really hope i can do better than this which is my every year resolution. 

I am glad that i have such opportunity to stay at home to take care of my kids even though i still prefer to work as it is the easier choice.   But beening home make me learn and treasure little things in life.  Also without my wonderful husband who provided for us and support me in many ways, I cant possible be a stay at home. However i do miss the times we always do things together. 

We may not have a lot of things and much luxuries but i hope my kids enjoy me being at home with them.  Finally I want to wish a happy mother day to all, give ourselves a pat and have fun with our love ones. 


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