Feeling super lousy

The first time i met him, i was 16 years old. Almost 20 years ago. I became an aunt to this little one.  Then he came to stay with us.  Sometimes i made him sleep. Sometimes i played with him. Sometimes he cried and cried. Noisy! Saturday i even had to take care of him. Many times i was still asleep when he was awake. I will let him play on his own. Sonetimes he is so hungry he went kitchen looking for food. Woke up with a shock. Felt guilty. But i was in my teenage. I tried my best. But i think i did all the wrong things. I would on show for him to watch. I even introduced instant noodles to him. As he was hungry and i only know how to cook that.  Looking back i was ignorant. Plus last time information was not as accessible as now. 

Many times i was busy with my own life.  Schooling, dating and working.  Sometimes i bring him out. But he was spoiled by his mum and my eldest sister. I refused to buy thing for him so he was upset and  dont really wants to go out with me anymore. Thus we seldom go out Together. Another regret for me. 

There are some sweet moments. When i was sad and cry, he will comfort with his touch and quietness.  He was so cute. Big eyes, long eye lashes. I dolled him like girl. With hair band. So huggable. I actually miss hugging him.  Waiting for him after his childcare. The exciting and happy face of his.  Bringing him to playground. 

During his primary school i remember bringing him out for dinner after his class. Pepper lunch is new and popular. He wants that and he ordered $16+++ stuff to eat. Wow. I dont dare to order for myself as i am quite stringy with my money.

Then he moved out and as usual i busy with work etc.  Then eventually i get marry and have my own family.  We still always meet up. But it is no longer like before.   He grew up.  Sometimes tried to chat with him but not much success.  Maybe i am not a good talker.  He is close to the mother. Thats good.  As long he got someone to talk.

However recently just realised he was not that well after all  And it has been some times.  And no one knows.  Not even his mum. Being an aunt, i felt lousy.  There were symptoms yet i didn't check.  I was too absorbed in my own life. Now is too late for me to do anything.  Dunno how to help him. He may not even want to listen to my advice.  Is all up to himself.  But is still so painful to know that he suffered alone all these years. Where was i, when he needs someone. I really wish him well and hope he can be well again.  Maybe then i will feel less painful.  

If i can turn back the clock, i will hug him everytime i see him. Spend hour chatting etc with him.  Spend more time with him. If only i can turn back the clock...... My greatest regret.